Gone.

That's where my husband is... gone, across the globe somewhere. A lot has happened since my last blog. Alexa's first birthday, her party, hubby's visit, goodbyes, and hubby shipping off.

I knew these days would come, so why am I taking it so hard? I am usually ok during the day. Taking care of Alexa keeps my mind off of things. And she's the happiest little child, oblivious as she may be to everything that's going on in her parents' lives... it helps seeing her so happy and it gives me reason to be happy. It's usually night time when my negativity sets in. Alexa is asleep and my mind is free to wander into dark, unpleasant thoughts. I'm overcome with loneliness, sharing my bed with no one. No snoring, sweating, tossing, turning body next to me; no being held, or sense of security in his arms. Even in a small bed the empty space feels huge.

Having him here for those couple of days felt like he was never gone, and leaving him at the airport felt like he was never here.

It doesn't help that I came across the blog of a young war widow whose husband just passed away in March. In Afghanistan. Marine Corps. Out of Camp Lejeune, NC. Stationed in the same province where a certain someone will be very soon. It was all too much for me to read. But I clicked the "Follow" button anyway, thinking maybe I will get something from reading about how she is moving on. Maybe she will write something really inspiring that will make me think Hey, she's ok. My worst fear happened to her, but she's ok.

I don't have much to say tonight other than I'm worried, I'm stressed, and I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks.

I got to talk to Elias today, which helps tremendously. He gets to be on the internet because he's only in a transit station. He's not "where he'll be going" yet. I was already a wreck when he signed on and I needed to vent to him or somehow make myself feel better... not good, but less bad. I'm going to C&P our conversation here, because I feel like I need to. I need something to look back on from this time in my life. I need to read it back as a person on the outside looking in. I don't know how to explain my reasoning-- that's the best I can come up with.

Before you read on: Yes, he calls me "mama" and I call him "daddy." They are just terms of endearment for us. When I found out I was pregnant, I started calling him "daddy" and it stuck. They're just nicknames, if you will. We don't have some weird parent thing going on.. and for some reason I felt like I needed to explain that. Also, I am very lazy with typing when I get a chance to talk to him. I'm trying to type as fast as I can in case he loses signal and gets cut off. So please excuse the lack of capitalization, etc.



ME: daddy
HIM: mommy
ME: i'm sad
HIM: why?
ME: because i came across the blog of a marine widow. her husband was a cpl in [insert location] and he was killed in a vehicle crash this past march
ME: she's only 23... she had a baby in january and he never got to see her
HIM: that sucks
HIM: sorry for her
ME: please daddy don't leave me
HIM: I have no choice I already left
ME: I mean don't die
HIM: I can't control that
ME: i know
ME: just be careful.
HIM: I will try to
ME: he died in a crash because the vehicle went off course, it could have been prevented
HIM: yeah it happens, we will be doing a lot of driving
ME: i know
ME: i hope this stupid war ends soon
HIM: yeah right it aint ever ending
ME: yes it will. being in the military is one thing but during war time it's harder
HIM: just like iraq was supposed to end
ME: but it's better there
HIM: yeah
ME: it's improved at least. UGHHH I HATE THIS
HIM: dont worry you stress out too much
ME: i know i stress out, i need meds. i need counseling. but none of that will change the circumstances that are making me so stressed
HIM: you don't need meds, just don't stress
ME: please tell me how
HIM: just don't no reason to
ME: but what am i supposed to do, forget about you for 7 months? every time i think about you i'm reminded of this goddamn deployment
HIM: well its my job sorry
ME: i can't not think about it
ME: you are the only thing that will make me feel better and you're gone
HIM: you were just fine before you met me
ME: before i met you i was a different person. i didn't know you or love you
ME: you are a part of me now
HIM: life goes on and new people come
ME: none of them are you
HIM: im nobody
ME: you are everything to me
ME: just do your job and be safe and talk to me as much as possible and reassure me everything is gonna be ok
HIM: I will mama you know it
ME: what are you doing
HIM: wacthing the A-TEAM
ME: oh i thought you had watched it already
HIM: yeah i have, I cant watch it again?
ME: of course you can
HIM: what time is it
ME: 1:36am
HIM: oh ok
ME: same time we talked yesterday right
HIM: yeah
ME: i put alexa on the potty
HIM: oh yeah, how did that go
ME: well nothing came out, but other than that she did fine. i think she enjoyed it
HIM: how did you know she needed to use it?
ME: i didn't, i just put her there to get her familiar with it
HIM: oh ok
ME: i'm gonna start doing it every night, and once she starts actually peeing i'll do it more
HIM: thats good
ME: i'm uploading pics right now of her on the potty
HIM: cool
ME: daddy she is so smart.
HIM: I bet she is
ME: i gave her a sippy to drink from while she was sitting in the highchair and my mom was sitting at the table with us. she was messing with the cup and she put it in the cupholder part of the tray and we started clapping for her. so she got all excited and was clapping
HIM: Oh yeah thats good, smart girl shes a cutie
ME: so then she would take it out of the cupholder and put it back in the middle of the tray, and at first she started clapping for herself waiting to see if me and my mom would clap and we didn't cause we were only clapping when she put it in the right place. she was looking at us like "why aren't you clapping??" so then she finally got it when we would only clap if she put it in the cupholder
ME: and she was just picking it up from the cupholder and sticking it back in, and then getting all excited and clapping. it was so hilarious i was laughing so hard i had tears. then she just would touch it without even moving it and then start clapping, lol. she is so funny
HIM: aawww miss her
ME: yeah i know, it was the funniest thing. i was thinking how awesome it would be for you to see her doing that. it would've made your day
HIM: yeah
ME: so now i know when i'm trying to teach her something, to clap for her when she does it right. she learned so quick
HIM: yeah she does I would clap for her too
ME: so when she pees on the potty i'll clap and teach her that she's doing what she's supposed to
HIM: yeah good mommy
ME: i can't believe how smart she is. she catches on so quickly
HIM: yeah she is
ME: you should've seen how excited she was. she has this new excited face where she smiles with her mouth open as far as it will go, and her face all scrunched up
HIM: you'll have to get a pic
ME: yeah i will. the potty pics are on facebook
HIM: ok i will check them out
ME: is your internet slow?
HIM: kinda
ME: let me know when you see the pics
HIM: just saw them, last one her face is cute
ME: haha yeah crazy girl
HIM: yeah
ME: she's been walking pretty good. except when we're in a bigger room she wants to crawl
HIM: yeah thats alexa
ME: yep. hey i'm about to pee my pants can you hold on a second
HIM: ok
ME: ok so how has your day been so far
HIM: been ok just been sitting around hanging out
ME: do you have your own room
HIM: no we all stay in a big ass tent
ME: so you're like outside?
HIM: no in a tent
ME: but tents are kinda still outside aren't they
ME: not real walls
HIM: yeah its a big tent that fits 500 people
ME: oh ok
HIM: yup
ME: is it hot there
HIM: like 96
ME: same as here, haha
HIM: yeah
ME: it is so nasty here
HIM: yeah I bet humid and crap
ME: yeah when we went to the library today it was only 10am and already sweltering heat
ME: makes you want to stay in all day
HIM: yeah I know that weather sucks I couldnt live there
ME: i feel bad because alexa should be outdoors more but it's just too hot
HIM: yeah true
ME: if we were still in cali we'd be going to the beach and stuff
ME: or the park
HIM: oh yeah for sure
ME: i had to look up on the globe where exactly you are
HIM: you're cool
ME: no you are
ME: do you know when you're leaving yet
HIM: tomorrow
ME: do you know the time
HIM: yes
ME: what time
HIM: cant telll you
ME: morning, afternoon, evening, night?
HIM: cant say, they briefed us not to be telling families info like that
ME: fuck them
HIM: doesnt matter what time mama
ME: i just wanna know when to stop
ME: getting on messenger waiting for you
HIM: tomorrow
ME: i hate this stupid fuckbag military bullshit
HIM: oh stop
ME: i am your goddamned wife, what the hell am i gonna do. i'm not mad for you not telling me, i know you're only following orders but it's freaking stupid
HIM: no its not mom
ME: it is. what am i gonna do with that info? call up bin laden? no. i'm your wife and i'm concerned about you and i am completely entitled to know where my husband is and when
HIM: they monitor our internet
ME: oh well you're not doing anything wrong
ME: i'm allowed to be pissed
HIM: no the bad guys can get through and monitor and etc
HIM: thats why
ME: i guess
HIM: ok
ME: it's still fucking stupid. shouldn't have to worry about this kind of shit. what kind of world is this anyway
ME: where i'm not allowed to know anything about what's going on in your life
ME: and we're fucking married
HIM: ok mama
HIM: chill out
ME: sorry
ME: i just hate it
HIM: I know
ME: i never thought i would crack under pressure, always thought i was stronger than that
HIM: well you need to be stronger, its not a big deal
ME: it is a big deal, you know it is. you're just saying that to make me feel better
HIM: no I just dont really think it is
ME: it may not be as big of a deal for you because it's your job and you're used to it and trained to deal with that stuff. not me, i just married you. nobody taught me how to handle anything
HIM: well I told you what to expect before we got married
ME: i know, and i love you so i accepted it
HIM: Ok mama Im about to get off
ME: ok
HIM: I will try to get on later
ME: ok
ME: [insert disturbing comment that I'm not comfortable sharing]
HIM: oh stop talking like that, you dont need to do that... [goes on...]
ME: [deleted]
HIM: ok well I dont wanna hear that anymore
ME: and i don't want you to be where you are, but you're there.
ME: sorry daddy. i'll stop
HIM: ok I will talk to you later, love you
ME: love you too

I just want to say that that's not who I am at all. This situation has turned me into a complete wreck. I will keep posting as much as I can, and I am hoping I will learn how to better deal with the situation and that things will improve for me.