breaking point.

I should say breaking point number 1. I know there will be more when Elias finally leaves for Afghanistan and it scares me that I am already feeling this way. When I started this blog, I told myself I was not going to use it as a venting outlet. I would try my hardest, even though some days I feel like I can't take anymore. The purpose of this blog was really meant to be a place for me to talk about Alexa and all the new things she is doing and of course a place for me to talk about everyday life as a military family. But right now I really do need it as an outlet.

Background: I am staying with my mom right now. She offered me to live here while Elias was gone. However, I've been having issues with her lately. She nags about every little thing and talks to me like I'm still a child. I think she forgot I became an adult when I moved away, got married, and had a child. She just acts like me living here is such an inconvenience to her, and she complains every time Alexa makes noise. I wish I could move out, but I really can't afford a place and we don't even have our furniture here. On one hand, I know we are living here rent-free but on the other hand I still feel like I should be treated with some respect, especially at THE toughest time of my life. Everything my mom does for me (like offered to pay for Alexa's party when I said I was just going to cancel and have a small one at home), she holds it over my head. Next time she offers to do something, I will turn her down without a second thought because she will just say "Well I did this and that for you" as an excuse for me to not have feelings and let her treat me like crap. I never ask anything of her-- everything I've taken from her has been an offer. Well I learned my lesson now, needless to say. If I'd have known I would be this stressed living here, I would've NEVER agreed to it.

And if you are reading this thinking there must be something wrong with me, some other side to the story... I promise, I am the easiest person to live with. I keep to myself, stay out of the way, and I go along with whatever she wants. I am the most backbone-less person sometimes and I really need to work on that. Allowing people to walk all over you can take a toll after a while.

Before I get into what happened today, here's a small example of what goes on. Yesterday I sat Alexa in her highchair for lunch and remembered there was something I wanted to mention to my mom, so I went by the spare room where she was sitting on the computer with the door open. I started telling her whatever it was (can't remember exactly, but doesn't matter) and she shooed me. out. Like a dog. "Shoo! Get out, I'm busy!" Hand motions and all. Ok I understand if she was busy but 1) I was not rude or intrusive in the way I approached her, 2) she could have closed the door, and 3) she was just rude about it.

Today, I put Alexa down for nap and went out to the living room like I always do while she puts herself to sleep. The conversation went something like this:

Mom: Oh, guess what I found today?
Me: What?
Mom: My old camera! (It had been lost for months and she bought a replacement a long time ago.)
Me: Oh really, where was it?
She goes on to tell me how it was shoved in the back of a drawer, behind socks, etc.
Mom: I'm glad I found it because it really takes better pictures and I like it a lot better than the new one.
Me: ....You could give me the other one. (obviously half-joking, not expecting her to actually give it to me but at the same time well-aware that it will just sit and collect dust)
Mom: Well... I might still want to use it some time. It has more megapixels.
Me: You just said the old one took better pictures.. why would you want to keep using it?
Mom: Well I don't know! You can't have it. I would sell it to you but you don't have any money. You can borrow it if you want.
Me: That's ok, I'll just use mine.
Mom: (as if I said something offensive) Why do you say that??
Me: Because I have my own camera and I don't like borrowing things. (My camera is a little on the old side but I'd rather keep using it than borrow a better camera that doesn't belong to me. She's super possessive about her stuff and I'd rather not go there.)
Mom: You're so spoiled!
Me: What?? How am I spoiled?
Mom: You just want me to GIVE it to you.
Me: No I don't... I really don't care. (I really don't.)
Mom: silent.
Me: Well if I'm spoiled, you're stingy. (I know it was childish of me to say, but it's true. She is stingy and I won't get into all that. But I am far from spoiled, as she knows.)
Mom: ME? Stingy? Don't even get me started on all the things I've done for you. Hmm, you're living here rent-free...
Me: You offered to have me stay here. I could've moved to North Carolina. I SHOULD have moved there if I knew you were gonna be like this.
Mom: You couldn't afford that.
Me: Well we would've found a way. Just because I don't pay rent doesn't mean I don't deserve respect.
Mom: And I am paying for the party too..
Me: I said I was going to cancel the reservation but you said "No, no, don't cancel it. I'll pay for it.."
Mom: Well you were already looking forward to it.
Me: Yeah I know but you're holding it over my head now. I should have just cancelled it and had it at home.
Mom: Well I'm not stingy.
Me: And I'm not spoiled. Barely making ends meet does not equal spoiled.

Anyway, that's pretty much the gist of the conversation. I really just wanted to come out and say "Give me a break!! My husband is deploying and I am going through a hard time!" I'm not one to ask for sympathy but I really don't think she gets it. I also wish I could have asked her to explain to me her definition of spoiled. Because if anything, she's the spoiled one. She has money, a house, a job, a husband that is home all the time.. they get to take nice vacations... I have none of those things. UGH.. Ok enough with the self pity.

Bottom line: I am already stressed enough as it is. This living situation is just adding to the stress so it's not working out at all.

Well I'm done, and my little smiler just woke up. I wish I could be more like her and just be happy simply being alive...