Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
So I guess it's about time for a new one
A new post, that is. I'm glad to say we are doing great, considering. So far since Elias made it to Afghanistan, we have been able to e-mail back and forth pretty much every day. It is a bad, bad habit to get into (for me) because I look for his e-mails every day now which means if I don't get one, I start to go into freak-out mode... not in an extreme way, but in a can't-sit-still, constantly-in-the-back-of-my-mind kind of way, until I get another e-mail. While I know it's not good to get used to it, I can't make myself not e-mail him and I certainly still want him to e-mail as much as he can. It's a catch 22, I tell ya.
And here is Alexa's first trip to Chuck E. Cheese's. She had a lot of fun.
That's all for today! Hopefully I won't wait forever to write my next one so it won't be super long.
So when I became a military wife, I was introduced to all this new lingo. I swear, they have an acronym for everything. BAH, PT, MOS, PCS, NCO, TMO, PMO, MP... it's insane. If you don't believe me, Google military acronyms. The lists are overwhelming. Anyway, I have a new term in my vocabulary which has become my enemy. That term is River City. It's not a place, but a code that they use while on deployment. When someone gets severely injured or killed, the Marines go into what's called River City status. All internet and phone connections are cut off until the family of the person(s) who were hurt or killed can be contacted. It always happens without warning and could last anywhere from hours to weeks. River City, or RC = Reduced Communications. The reason for it is, if they (as in the Marines on the phone/internet) are able to talk to people back home, it might get back to the family or the media. They have special people who go out and personally talk to the families. While I completely understand and appreciate its purpose, it sure as hell is a bummer. The crappiest part is that I just have to assume I haven't heard from him because of RC. There's no real way of knowing. So I just wait on pins and needles. It's already happened twice since he got there, so I can tell you this is going to be one long deployment.
In other news (don't you love how I cram everything into one post?), Alexa is officially a walker. She might stumble around and crash like a drunk, but she's definitely there. It's been almost two months since her first steps. All she really wanted to do was crawl because it was faster, but now it seems like she's enjoying getting around on her two feet. And it certainly is fun to watch.
We also have discovered the best toy ever. It delivers tons of fun, belly laughs, and hours of entertainment. Ok, I might have exaggerated on that last one. Nothing will entertain her for hours. But for real, this was the greatest investment toy-wise that I think I've ever made. It cost me a whole 99 cents. What is this wonder toy, you ask? It's a ball. The big bouncy kind. For Alexa, it was love at first sight. I gave it to her and she followed it around the room for quite a while. She gets a kick out of watching me dribble it, and she loves when we roll it back and forth. She actually laughed herself into hiccups twice from ball-rolling today. Go figure.
If I posted more often, this would be broken up into different entries, but oh well. I have to share some pictures.
First, I won a giveaway on Facebook (yay me!) with Rubadub Buddies so I got this beautiful towel for Alexa.. check it out.
Here is a nice little picture of Alexa as I discovered her after she fell asleep for her nap the other day. She usually doesn't take long to fall asleep, so I was wondering why she was taking forever. I checked in on her a few times, but all I could see was her moving around. I guess I need to make sure I don't leave the open pack of diapers next to the crib anymore.. Looks like she had a grand old time before she finally passed out.
And here is Alexa's first trip to Chuck E. Cheese's. She had a lot of fun.
She loves pushing buttons of any kind.
It was her first time on one of these contraptions.
I let her play with my keys so she would sit still.. and she ended up dropping them between the wall and the booth. I had to grab an employee to get them. She had to move the whole booth. I felt so bad. My little stinker.. I'm never making that mistake again.
And last but not least, check us out:
I still have a ton of tokens left over, so we will be going back soon!I let her play with my keys so she would sit still.. and she ended up dropping them between the wall and the booth. I had to grab an employee to get them. She had to move the whole booth. I felt so bad. My little stinker.. I'm never making that mistake again.
And last but not least, check us out:
That's all for today! Hopefully I won't wait forever to write my next one so it won't be super long.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Feeling better, and some birthday pictures
Today was a better day. Even though I know I won't be able to talk to Elias much from now on, I'm feeling a lot less emotional. Whatever happens, happens. I need to let go and realize that I can't control everything. I have no control over what he gets stuck doing in Afghanistan, which is a huge part of what stresses me the most.. but I have to learn to accept it. Whoever reads this must think I'm a total wreck. I promise I'm not. I'm fine most of the time because I've become pretty good at keeping myself distracted.
Speaking of distraction....
I thought I'd just start a new post to put up a few pictures from Alexa's party. It was small, but it was fun. And of course, the most important part-- daddy was there with us.
Please excuse my hair. Believe it or not, we got poured on earlier in the day before the party.. I'm talking torrential rain as we ran throught the Wal-Mart parking lot, and even with an umbrella we all were soaked head to toe. We had to grab a towel to buy so we could dry off. I was so relieved that there was not a drop of rain during the party.
Speaking of distraction....
I thought I'd just start a new post to put up a few pictures from Alexa's party. It was small, but it was fun. And of course, the most important part-- daddy was there with us.
Please excuse my hair. Believe it or not, we got poured on earlier in the day before the party.. I'm talking torrential rain as we ran throught the Wal-Mart parking lot, and even with an umbrella we all were soaked head to toe. We had to grab a towel to buy so we could dry off. I was so relieved that there was not a drop of rain during the party.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Gone.
That's where my husband is... gone, across the globe somewhere. A lot has happened since my last blog. Alexa's first birthday, her party, hubby's visit, goodbyes, and hubby shipping off.
I knew these days would come, so why am I taking it so hard? I am usually ok during the day. Taking care of Alexa keeps my mind off of things. And she's the happiest little child, oblivious as she may be to everything that's going on in her parents' lives... it helps seeing her so happy and it gives me reason to be happy. It's usually night time when my negativity sets in. Alexa is asleep and my mind is free to wander into dark, unpleasant thoughts. I'm overcome with loneliness, sharing my bed with no one. No snoring, sweating, tossing, turning body next to me; no being held, or sense of security in his arms. Even in a small bed the empty space feels huge.
Having him here for those couple of days felt like he was never gone, and leaving him at the airport felt like he was never here.
It doesn't help that I came across the blog of a young war widow whose husband just passed away in March. In Afghanistan. Marine Corps. Out of Camp Lejeune, NC. Stationed in the same province where a certain someone will be very soon. It was all too much for me to read. But I clicked the "Follow" button anyway, thinking maybe I will get something from reading about how she is moving on. Maybe she will write something really inspiring that will make me think Hey, she's ok. My worst fear happened to her, but she's ok.
I don't have much to say tonight other than I'm worried, I'm stressed, and I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks.
I got to talk to Elias today, which helps tremendously. He gets to be on the internet because he's only in a transit station. He's not "where he'll be going" yet. I was already a wreck when he signed on and I needed to vent to him or somehow make myself feel better... not good, but less bad. I'm going to C&P our conversation here, because I feel like I need to. I need something to look back on from this time in my life. I need to read it back as a person on the outside looking in. I don't know how to explain my reasoning-- that's the best I can come up with.
Before you read on: Yes, he calls me "mama" and I call him "daddy." They are just terms of endearment for us. When I found out I was pregnant, I started calling him "daddy" and it stuck. They're just nicknames, if you will. We don't have some weird parent thing going on.. and for some reason I felt like I needed to explain that. Also, I am very lazy with typing when I get a chance to talk to him. I'm trying to type as fast as I can in case he loses signal and gets cut off. So please excuse the lack of capitalization, etc.
ME: daddy
HIM: mommy
ME: i'm sad
HIM: why?
ME: because i came across the blog of a marine widow. her husband was a cpl in [insert location] and he was killed in a vehicle crash this past march
ME: she's only 23... she had a baby in january and he never got to see her
HIM: that sucks
HIM: sorry for her
ME: please daddy don't leave me
HIM: I have no choice I already left
ME: I mean don't die
HIM: I can't control that
ME: i know
ME: just be careful.
HIM: I will try to
ME: he died in a crash because the vehicle went off course, it could have been prevented
HIM: yeah it happens, we will be doing a lot of driving
ME: i know
ME: i hope this stupid war ends soon
HIM: yeah right it aint ever ending
ME: yes it will. being in the military is one thing but during war time it's harder
HIM: just like iraq was supposed to end
ME: but it's better there
HIM: yeah
ME: it's improved at least. UGHHH I HATE THIS
HIM: dont worry you stress out too much
ME: i know i stress out, i need meds. i need counseling. but none of that will change the circumstances that are making me so stressed
HIM: you don't need meds, just don't stress
ME: please tell me how
HIM: just don't no reason to
ME: but what am i supposed to do, forget about you for 7 months? every time i think about you i'm reminded of this goddamn deployment
HIM: well its my job sorry
ME: i can't not think about it
ME: you are the only thing that will make me feel better and you're gone
HIM: you were just fine before you met me
ME: before i met you i was a different person. i didn't know you or love you
ME: you are a part of me now
HIM: life goes on and new people come
ME: none of them are you
HIM: im nobody
ME: you are everything to me
ME: just do your job and be safe and talk to me as much as possible and reassure me everything is gonna be ok
HIM: I will mama you know it
ME: what are you doing
HIM: wacthing the A-TEAM
ME: oh i thought you had watched it already
HIM: yeah i have, I cant watch it again?
ME: of course you can
HIM: what time is it
ME: 1:36am
HIM: oh ok
ME: same time we talked yesterday right
HIM: yeah
ME: i put alexa on the potty
HIM: oh yeah, how did that go
ME: well nothing came out, but other than that she did fine. i think she enjoyed it
HIM: how did you know she needed to use it?
ME: i didn't, i just put her there to get her familiar with it
HIM: oh ok
ME: i'm gonna start doing it every night, and once she starts actually peeing i'll do it more
HIM: thats good
ME: i'm uploading pics right now of her on the potty
HIM: cool
ME: daddy she is so smart.
HIM: I bet she is
ME: i gave her a sippy to drink from while she was sitting in the highchair and my mom was sitting at the table with us. she was messing with the cup and she put it in the cupholder part of the tray and we started clapping for her. so she got all excited and was clapping
HIM: Oh yeah thats good, smart girl shes a cutie
ME: so then she would take it out of the cupholder and put it back in the middle of the tray, and at first she started clapping for herself waiting to see if me and my mom would clap and we didn't cause we were only clapping when she put it in the right place. she was looking at us like "why aren't you clapping??" so then she finally got it when we would only clap if she put it in the cupholder
ME: and she was just picking it up from the cupholder and sticking it back in, and then getting all excited and clapping. it was so hilarious i was laughing so hard i had tears. then she just would touch it without even moving it and then start clapping, lol. she is so funny
HIM: aawww miss her
ME: yeah i know, it was the funniest thing. i was thinking how awesome it would be for you to see her doing that. it would've made your day
HIM: yeah
ME: so now i know when i'm trying to teach her something, to clap for her when she does it right. she learned so quick
HIM: yeah she does I would clap for her too
ME: so when she pees on the potty i'll clap and teach her that she's doing what she's supposed to
HIM: yeah good mommy
ME: i can't believe how smart she is. she catches on so quickly
HIM: yeah she is
ME: you should've seen how excited she was. she has this new excited face where she smiles with her mouth open as far as it will go, and her face all scrunched up
HIM: you'll have to get a pic
ME: yeah i will. the potty pics are on facebook
HIM: ok i will check them out
ME: is your internet slow?
HIM: kinda
ME: let me know when you see the pics
HIM: just saw them, last one her face is cute
ME: haha yeah crazy girl
HIM: yeah
ME: she's been walking pretty good. except when we're in a bigger room she wants to crawl
HIM: yeah thats alexa
ME: yep. hey i'm about to pee my pants can you hold on a second
HIM: ok
ME: ok so how has your day been so far
HIM: been ok just been sitting around hanging out
ME: do you have your own room
HIM: no we all stay in a big ass tent
ME: so you're like outside?
HIM: no in a tent
ME: but tents are kinda still outside aren't they
ME: not real walls
HIM: yeah its a big tent that fits 500 people
ME: oh ok
HIM: yup
ME: is it hot there
HIM: like 96
ME: same as here, haha
HIM: yeah
ME: it is so nasty here
HIM: yeah I bet humid and crap
ME: yeah when we went to the library today it was only 10am and already sweltering heat
ME: makes you want to stay in all day
HIM: yeah I know that weather sucks I couldnt live there
ME: i feel bad because alexa should be outdoors more but it's just too hot
HIM: yeah true
ME: if we were still in cali we'd be going to the beach and stuff
ME: or the park
HIM: oh yeah for sure
ME: i had to look up on the globe where exactly you are
HIM: you're cool
ME: no you are
ME: do you know when you're leaving yet
HIM: tomorrow
ME: do you know the time
HIM: yes
ME: what time
HIM: cant telll you
ME: morning, afternoon, evening, night?
HIM: cant say, they briefed us not to be telling families info like that
ME: fuck them
HIM: doesnt matter what time mama
ME: i just wanna know when to stop
ME: getting on messenger waiting for you
HIM: tomorrow
ME: i hate this stupid fuckbag military bullshit
HIM: oh stop
ME: i am your goddamned wife, what the hell am i gonna do. i'm not mad for you not telling me, i know you're only following orders but it's freaking stupid
HIM: no its not mom
ME: it is. what am i gonna do with that info? call up bin laden? no. i'm your wife and i'm concerned about you and i am completely entitled to know where my husband is and when
HIM: they monitor our internet
ME: oh well you're not doing anything wrong
ME: i'm allowed to be pissed
HIM: no the bad guys can get through and monitor and etc
HIM: thats why
ME: i guess
HIM: ok
ME: it's still fucking stupid. shouldn't have to worry about this kind of shit. what kind of world is this anyway
ME: where i'm not allowed to know anything about what's going on in your life
ME: and we're fucking married
HIM: ok mama
HIM: chill out
ME: sorry
ME: i just hate it
HIM: I know
ME: i never thought i would crack under pressure, always thought i was stronger than that
HIM: well you need to be stronger, its not a big deal
ME: it is a big deal, you know it is. you're just saying that to make me feel better
HIM: no I just dont really think it is
ME: it may not be as big of a deal for you because it's your job and you're used to it and trained to deal with that stuff. not me, i just married you. nobody taught me how to handle anything
HIM: well I told you what to expect before we got married
ME: i know, and i love you so i accepted it
HIM: Ok mama Im about to get off
ME: ok
HIM: I will try to get on later
ME: ok
ME: [insert disturbing comment that I'm not comfortable sharing]
HIM: oh stop talking like that, you dont need to do that... [goes on...]
ME: [deleted]
HIM: ok well I dont wanna hear that anymore
ME: and i don't want you to be where you are, but you're there.
ME: sorry daddy. i'll stop
HIM: ok I will talk to you later, love you
ME: love you too
I just want to say that that's not who I am at all. This situation has turned me into a complete wreck. I will keep posting as much as I can, and I am hoping I will learn how to better deal with the situation and that things will improve for me.
I knew these days would come, so why am I taking it so hard? I am usually ok during the day. Taking care of Alexa keeps my mind off of things. And she's the happiest little child, oblivious as she may be to everything that's going on in her parents' lives... it helps seeing her so happy and it gives me reason to be happy. It's usually night time when my negativity sets in. Alexa is asleep and my mind is free to wander into dark, unpleasant thoughts. I'm overcome with loneliness, sharing my bed with no one. No snoring, sweating, tossing, turning body next to me; no being held, or sense of security in his arms. Even in a small bed the empty space feels huge.
Having him here for those couple of days felt like he was never gone, and leaving him at the airport felt like he was never here.
It doesn't help that I came across the blog of a young war widow whose husband just passed away in March. In Afghanistan. Marine Corps. Out of Camp Lejeune, NC. Stationed in the same province where a certain someone will be very soon. It was all too much for me to read. But I clicked the "Follow" button anyway, thinking maybe I will get something from reading about how she is moving on. Maybe she will write something really inspiring that will make me think Hey, she's ok. My worst fear happened to her, but she's ok.
I don't have much to say tonight other than I'm worried, I'm stressed, and I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks.
I got to talk to Elias today, which helps tremendously. He gets to be on the internet because he's only in a transit station. He's not "where he'll be going" yet. I was already a wreck when he signed on and I needed to vent to him or somehow make myself feel better... not good, but less bad. I'm going to C&P our conversation here, because I feel like I need to. I need something to look back on from this time in my life. I need to read it back as a person on the outside looking in. I don't know how to explain my reasoning-- that's the best I can come up with.
Before you read on: Yes, he calls me "mama" and I call him "daddy." They are just terms of endearment for us. When I found out I was pregnant, I started calling him "daddy" and it stuck. They're just nicknames, if you will. We don't have some weird parent thing going on.. and for some reason I felt like I needed to explain that. Also, I am very lazy with typing when I get a chance to talk to him. I'm trying to type as fast as I can in case he loses signal and gets cut off. So please excuse the lack of capitalization, etc.
ME: daddy
HIM: mommy
ME: i'm sad
HIM: why?
ME: because i came across the blog of a marine widow. her husband was a cpl in [insert location] and he was killed in a vehicle crash this past march
ME: she's only 23... she had a baby in january and he never got to see her
HIM: that sucks
HIM: sorry for her
ME: please daddy don't leave me
HIM: I have no choice I already left
ME: I mean don't die
HIM: I can't control that
ME: i know
ME: just be careful.
HIM: I will try to
ME: he died in a crash because the vehicle went off course, it could have been prevented
HIM: yeah it happens, we will be doing a lot of driving
ME: i know
ME: i hope this stupid war ends soon
HIM: yeah right it aint ever ending
ME: yes it will. being in the military is one thing but during war time it's harder
HIM: just like iraq was supposed to end
ME: but it's better there
HIM: yeah
ME: it's improved at least. UGHHH I HATE THIS
HIM: dont worry you stress out too much
ME: i know i stress out, i need meds. i need counseling. but none of that will change the circumstances that are making me so stressed
HIM: you don't need meds, just don't stress
ME: please tell me how
HIM: just don't no reason to
ME: but what am i supposed to do, forget about you for 7 months? every time i think about you i'm reminded of this goddamn deployment
HIM: well its my job sorry
ME: i can't not think about it
ME: you are the only thing that will make me feel better and you're gone
HIM: you were just fine before you met me
ME: before i met you i was a different person. i didn't know you or love you
ME: you are a part of me now
HIM: life goes on and new people come
ME: none of them are you
HIM: im nobody
ME: you are everything to me
ME: just do your job and be safe and talk to me as much as possible and reassure me everything is gonna be ok
HIM: I will mama you know it
ME: what are you doing
HIM: wacthing the A-TEAM
ME: oh i thought you had watched it already
HIM: yeah i have, I cant watch it again?
ME: of course you can
HIM: what time is it
ME: 1:36am
HIM: oh ok
ME: same time we talked yesterday right
HIM: yeah
ME: i put alexa on the potty
HIM: oh yeah, how did that go
ME: well nothing came out, but other than that she did fine. i think she enjoyed it
HIM: how did you know she needed to use it?
ME: i didn't, i just put her there to get her familiar with it
HIM: oh ok
ME: i'm gonna start doing it every night, and once she starts actually peeing i'll do it more
HIM: thats good
ME: i'm uploading pics right now of her on the potty
HIM: cool
ME: daddy she is so smart.
HIM: I bet she is
ME: i gave her a sippy to drink from while she was sitting in the highchair and my mom was sitting at the table with us. she was messing with the cup and she put it in the cupholder part of the tray and we started clapping for her. so she got all excited and was clapping
HIM: Oh yeah thats good, smart girl shes a cutie
ME: so then she would take it out of the cupholder and put it back in the middle of the tray, and at first she started clapping for herself waiting to see if me and my mom would clap and we didn't cause we were only clapping when she put it in the right place. she was looking at us like "why aren't you clapping??" so then she finally got it when we would only clap if she put it in the cupholder
ME: and she was just picking it up from the cupholder and sticking it back in, and then getting all excited and clapping. it was so hilarious i was laughing so hard i had tears. then she just would touch it without even moving it and then start clapping, lol. she is so funny
HIM: aawww miss her
ME: yeah i know, it was the funniest thing. i was thinking how awesome it would be for you to see her doing that. it would've made your day
HIM: yeah
ME: so now i know when i'm trying to teach her something, to clap for her when she does it right. she learned so quick
HIM: yeah she does I would clap for her too
ME: so when she pees on the potty i'll clap and teach her that she's doing what she's supposed to
HIM: yeah good mommy
ME: i can't believe how smart she is. she catches on so quickly
HIM: yeah she is
ME: you should've seen how excited she was. she has this new excited face where she smiles with her mouth open as far as it will go, and her face all scrunched up
HIM: you'll have to get a pic
ME: yeah i will. the potty pics are on facebook
HIM: ok i will check them out
ME: is your internet slow?
HIM: kinda
ME: let me know when you see the pics
HIM: just saw them, last one her face is cute
ME: haha yeah crazy girl
HIM: yeah
ME: she's been walking pretty good. except when we're in a bigger room she wants to crawl
HIM: yeah thats alexa
ME: yep. hey i'm about to pee my pants can you hold on a second
HIM: ok
ME: ok so how has your day been so far
HIM: been ok just been sitting around hanging out
ME: do you have your own room
HIM: no we all stay in a big ass tent
ME: so you're like outside?
HIM: no in a tent
ME: but tents are kinda still outside aren't they
ME: not real walls
HIM: yeah its a big tent that fits 500 people
ME: oh ok
HIM: yup
ME: is it hot there
HIM: like 96
ME: same as here, haha
HIM: yeah
ME: it is so nasty here
HIM: yeah I bet humid and crap
ME: yeah when we went to the library today it was only 10am and already sweltering heat
ME: makes you want to stay in all day
HIM: yeah I know that weather sucks I couldnt live there
ME: i feel bad because alexa should be outdoors more but it's just too hot
HIM: yeah true
ME: if we were still in cali we'd be going to the beach and stuff
ME: or the park
HIM: oh yeah for sure
ME: i had to look up on the globe where exactly you are
HIM: you're cool
ME: no you are
ME: do you know when you're leaving yet
HIM: tomorrow
ME: do you know the time
HIM: yes
ME: what time
HIM: cant telll you
ME: morning, afternoon, evening, night?
HIM: cant say, they briefed us not to be telling families info like that
ME: fuck them
HIM: doesnt matter what time mama
ME: i just wanna know when to stop
ME: getting on messenger waiting for you
HIM: tomorrow
ME: i hate this stupid fuckbag military bullshit
HIM: oh stop
ME: i am your goddamned wife, what the hell am i gonna do. i'm not mad for you not telling me, i know you're only following orders but it's freaking stupid
HIM: no its not mom
ME: it is. what am i gonna do with that info? call up bin laden? no. i'm your wife and i'm concerned about you and i am completely entitled to know where my husband is and when
HIM: they monitor our internet
ME: oh well you're not doing anything wrong
ME: i'm allowed to be pissed
HIM: no the bad guys can get through and monitor and etc
HIM: thats why
ME: i guess
HIM: ok
ME: it's still fucking stupid. shouldn't have to worry about this kind of shit. what kind of world is this anyway
ME: where i'm not allowed to know anything about what's going on in your life
ME: and we're fucking married
HIM: ok mama
HIM: chill out
ME: sorry
ME: i just hate it
HIM: I know
ME: i never thought i would crack under pressure, always thought i was stronger than that
HIM: well you need to be stronger, its not a big deal
ME: it is a big deal, you know it is. you're just saying that to make me feel better
HIM: no I just dont really think it is
ME: it may not be as big of a deal for you because it's your job and you're used to it and trained to deal with that stuff. not me, i just married you. nobody taught me how to handle anything
HIM: well I told you what to expect before we got married
ME: i know, and i love you so i accepted it
HIM: Ok mama Im about to get off
ME: ok
HIM: I will try to get on later
ME: ok
ME: [insert disturbing comment that I'm not comfortable sharing]
HIM: oh stop talking like that, you dont need to do that... [goes on...]
ME: [deleted]
HIM: ok well I dont wanna hear that anymore
ME: and i don't want you to be where you are, but you're there.
ME: sorry daddy. i'll stop
HIM: ok I will talk to you later, love you
ME: love you too
I just want to say that that's not who I am at all. This situation has turned me into a complete wreck. I will keep posting as much as I can, and I am hoping I will learn how to better deal with the situation and that things will improve for me.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
One year ago today...
Well, today was Alexa's first birthday! I can't believe it has been a year since my baby girl was born.
It seems like just yesterday I was laying in bed, crying, so scared of Alexa being born. I had a major case of the baby blues just before she was even born. I wasn't scared of the surgery, or being a mom. (Well I was a little nervous about the surgery, but it wasn't my #1 fear.) I was so worried about having Alexa on the outside of me, in the real world. I had her safely snuggled in my protective womb for nine months and I was completely terrified of that moment where they pulled her out, cut the cord, and took her away to clean her off, etc.-- because for the first time in my baby's life, she wouldn't be a part of me anymore. I played out that scene a thousand times in my head. I was more than excited to have her to hold in my arms, but knowing that very next day of my scheduled cesarean would be the end of my pregnancy, made me feel a little depressed. I was very attached to her then, and I still am.
That feeling completely passed as soon as she was born. The surgery went well, for the most part. Anesthesia was great so I felt nothing at all. I watched so many c-sections on TV and YouTube, I pretty much knew exactly what was going on without being able to see anything. I actually told Elias when they were starting to pull her out. It's a weird sensation under anesthesia because you don't feel pain or cutting; only movement. The anesthesiologist standing behind me gave Elias the go-ahead to stand up and get Alexa's birth on video (and what a perfect video it turned out to be). Every mom waits for that first cry, and there it was-- the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. My child.
Alexa was born at 6:59pm June 30, 2009. 6lb. 15oz., 18 inches. (Much smaller than what we had expected!)
I didn't get to see her at first because they immediately took her to wipe off, check her heartbeat, cut the cord, and whatever else it is they do with newborns. Elias came over to me and told me how cute she was. As soon as she was all wrapped up, a nurse brought her over to me so I could see her before they took her for her bath. I remember she looked exactly how I'd pictured her--just like her daddy! She was precious. I gave her a kiss and told Elias to go with her while they finished up my surgery.
While they were gone, all I could think about was Wow, she's here. I'm a mom now. My baby is here, just in the other room waiting for me. I was beyond excited to be able to hold her. Just moments after they left, I got extremely nauseous. I told the anesthesiologist and he said, "Ok, I'll take care of that for you." So reassuring. He was awesome. But before the meds kicked in, my stomach started contracting like crazy, like my body just wanted me to barf. It was such an icky feeling having your tummy involuntarily contracting while being operated on in that same area. I'll never forget that. But soon enough, the lovely Zofran kicked in and all was fine and dandy.. for a while anyway.
They finally sewed me up and I got to go into the recovery room where my little family was waiting for me. Alexa was so adorable. I wanted to hold her and cuddle her forever. The nurse offered to take a picture of us all together... I still treasure that picture and always will because it is our first family picture. I told her I wanted to breastfeed right away, so she got me and Alexa all set up and thank goodness Alexa was a pro. We were supposed to wait until I had some feeling back in my legs before I could go into one of the regular rooms, but it was taking way longer than expected, so they went ahead and sent us off. I remember these itchy things they had wrapped around my legs. They were kind of cool though because they gave me leg massages to keep the blood flowing.
We got situated in our room and the nausea came back full force. It must've had something to do with the anesthesia because as soon as it wore off (which wasn't until early the next morning), I was ok. It was really tough because I was having trouble staying awake, and Alexa would get hungry and of course I'd wake up and become more alert so I could feed her, and the nausea/stomach contractions would come back. I was so frustrated trying my best to feed her and dry heaving at the same time. My nurse took great care of me through the roughest times, and after that we were great.
Alexa was an amazing sleeper. We had to wake her up just to feed her. I remember one night we let her stay in the nursery for a while so we could get some rest, fully expecting her to come back in 2-3 hours for a feeding. I woke up and it had been four hours. She came back soon after that, and I think the nurse actually had to wake her up. Alexa was an absolute dream baby!
The rest of the hospital stay was great, as long as I was in bed. Moving around hurt like hell. They encouraged me to get up and walk around, which I did, but not much. One of the nurses taught me how to get out of bed on my own, which was a huge help. It was very tricky. I remember it, though, which is good because I'm sure I'll be needing that knowledge some time in the future.
Thinking back on that hospital stay, it was a really positive experience and I actually miss it. (The food was awesome, which helped.) As soon as we were home, we were on our own. My own little family.
I miss Alexa being so small, but she is so much fun now. Each age and stage so far has brought something new and fun and I've loved every minute of it. I can't wait to see what's in store for us next.
Sorry this post was so long, but I felt like today deserved something special!
We opened some presents today and took pictures of her digging into her cake (which I made simply for photo purposes). It was the most hilarious thing I've seen in a while. We pretty much sat her there with the cake and waited to see what she would do. Well, take a look at a few pictures just to see how it went! (Love the one where she dives in face first, lol.)
It seems like just yesterday I was laying in bed, crying, so scared of Alexa being born. I had a major case of the baby blues just before she was even born. I wasn't scared of the surgery, or being a mom. (Well I was a little nervous about the surgery, but it wasn't my #1 fear.) I was so worried about having Alexa on the outside of me, in the real world. I had her safely snuggled in my protective womb for nine months and I was completely terrified of that moment where they pulled her out, cut the cord, and took her away to clean her off, etc.-- because for the first time in my baby's life, she wouldn't be a part of me anymore. I played out that scene a thousand times in my head. I was more than excited to have her to hold in my arms, but knowing that very next day of my scheduled cesarean would be the end of my pregnancy, made me feel a little depressed. I was very attached to her then, and I still am.
That feeling completely passed as soon as she was born. The surgery went well, for the most part. Anesthesia was great so I felt nothing at all. I watched so many c-sections on TV and YouTube, I pretty much knew exactly what was going on without being able to see anything. I actually told Elias when they were starting to pull her out. It's a weird sensation under anesthesia because you don't feel pain or cutting; only movement. The anesthesiologist standing behind me gave Elias the go-ahead to stand up and get Alexa's birth on video (and what a perfect video it turned out to be). Every mom waits for that first cry, and there it was-- the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. My child.
Alexa was born at 6:59pm June 30, 2009. 6lb. 15oz., 18 inches. (Much smaller than what we had expected!)
I didn't get to see her at first because they immediately took her to wipe off, check her heartbeat, cut the cord, and whatever else it is they do with newborns. Elias came over to me and told me how cute she was. As soon as she was all wrapped up, a nurse brought her over to me so I could see her before they took her for her bath. I remember she looked exactly how I'd pictured her--just like her daddy! She was precious. I gave her a kiss and told Elias to go with her while they finished up my surgery.
While they were gone, all I could think about was Wow, she's here. I'm a mom now. My baby is here, just in the other room waiting for me. I was beyond excited to be able to hold her. Just moments after they left, I got extremely nauseous. I told the anesthesiologist and he said, "Ok, I'll take care of that for you." So reassuring. He was awesome. But before the meds kicked in, my stomach started contracting like crazy, like my body just wanted me to barf. It was such an icky feeling having your tummy involuntarily contracting while being operated on in that same area. I'll never forget that. But soon enough, the lovely Zofran kicked in and all was fine and dandy.. for a while anyway.
They finally sewed me up and I got to go into the recovery room where my little family was waiting for me. Alexa was so adorable. I wanted to hold her and cuddle her forever. The nurse offered to take a picture of us all together... I still treasure that picture and always will because it is our first family picture. I told her I wanted to breastfeed right away, so she got me and Alexa all set up and thank goodness Alexa was a pro. We were supposed to wait until I had some feeling back in my legs before I could go into one of the regular rooms, but it was taking way longer than expected, so they went ahead and sent us off. I remember these itchy things they had wrapped around my legs. They were kind of cool though because they gave me leg massages to keep the blood flowing.
We got situated in our room and the nausea came back full force. It must've had something to do with the anesthesia because as soon as it wore off (which wasn't until early the next morning), I was ok. It was really tough because I was having trouble staying awake, and Alexa would get hungry and of course I'd wake up and become more alert so I could feed her, and the nausea/stomach contractions would come back. I was so frustrated trying my best to feed her and dry heaving at the same time. My nurse took great care of me through the roughest times, and after that we were great.
Alexa was an amazing sleeper. We had to wake her up just to feed her. I remember one night we let her stay in the nursery for a while so we could get some rest, fully expecting her to come back in 2-3 hours for a feeding. I woke up and it had been four hours. She came back soon after that, and I think the nurse actually had to wake her up. Alexa was an absolute dream baby!
The rest of the hospital stay was great, as long as I was in bed. Moving around hurt like hell. They encouraged me to get up and walk around, which I did, but not much. One of the nurses taught me how to get out of bed on my own, which was a huge help. It was very tricky. I remember it, though, which is good because I'm sure I'll be needing that knowledge some time in the future.
Thinking back on that hospital stay, it was a really positive experience and I actually miss it. (The food was awesome, which helped.) As soon as we were home, we were on our own. My own little family.
I miss Alexa being so small, but she is so much fun now. Each age and stage so far has brought something new and fun and I've loved every minute of it. I can't wait to see what's in store for us next.
Sorry this post was so long, but I felt like today deserved something special!
We opened some presents today and took pictures of her digging into her cake (which I made simply for photo purposes). It was the most hilarious thing I've seen in a while. We pretty much sat her there with the cake and waited to see what she would do. Well, take a look at a few pictures just to see how it went! (Love the one where she dives in face first, lol.)
So, happy birthday to my baby girl! You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Father's Day
Of course today deserves its own post. It's Elias's first father's day since Alexa was born. He isn't here to celebrate us but it doesn't mean I'm not thinking of him and appreciating how great he has been through this journey as parents together.
Growing up, and even into adulthood, I've had a crappy idea of what it means to be a father. My dad was a horrible example. (I know there are tons of dads out there who are a million times worse, and I am not in any way trying to compare my situation.) No, he wasn't abusive and yes, he was present. But was he truly a "father"? No. We had a rocky relationship from the time I was little and as I grew up, nothing changed. When my parents split up, he started spoiling me and buying me everything I wanted.. which would make it seem like he was actually trying. It turned out he just wanted me to choose to live with him instead of my mom so that he could get back at her for the divorce. I moved out to Texas with my mom and it became painfully obvious how little he cared about me. I rarely got as little as a phone call, even to say "Happy Birthday." I don't think there was one year he remembered. We had a bad falling out right before I got married and I haven't spoken to him since. He tried calling me for a while, but I had already given up on him. Having him in my life always caused stress and nothing positive so I cut him off. It's sad that he has a granddaughter who he's never met. Sometimes it makes me feel bad but I know he does not deserve to know my child. It's his loss. She has plenty of family around who love and care for her. He played no positive role in making me the person I am today. If anything, he has taught me how not to be a parent.
My husband has completely changed the way I look at what a father should be. He was just born to be a dad. You can see it in the way he interacts Alexa.. It truly melts my heart. He is so loving and caring and helpful. He goes above and beyond for her.
After I had my c-section and was in the hospital after giving birth to Alexa, he was superdad. I was extremely nauseous coming out of surgery. I was struggling to learn the whole breastfeeding thing because every time I tried to feed her, my stomach would start contracting and I was ready to hurl. Then after anesthesia wore off, I was in a lot of pain. Elias stepped right up and did everything he could. He changed all her diapers, learned how to swaddle her, dressed her, rocked her to sleep, and brought her to me when she got hungry. He'd position her just right and put pillows under my arms so they wouldn't get tired. He was also wonderful at helping me move around and get out of bed, because I couldn't do it on my own. He did so much, I don't think I even changed any diapers until we had been home for a while. And the thing is, I never had to ask him for anything. He just knew what to do.
After we were home, he wanted to be the one to wake up with Alexa at night but I was the one who had to do all the feeding, so he insisted that he would get up and bring her to me every time she got hungry. Whenever we went out, he would wear her in the baby carrier. He made it so that I wouldn't have to do any work. At home, he'd get back after a long day at work and talk to her and play with her and basically take over everything I did during the day. Bath time became his "thing" and it was always that way until he left.
He's the sweetest daddy I've ever seen. Alexa loves him so much and I'd definitely say those two are best friends. One of the hardest parts of him being gone is that I miss watching them together. Him talking to her, tickling her, telling her "who's got the stinky patas(feet)?" and making her laugh her adorable belly laugh. I love those two together and it breaks my heart that they have to be apart so long. I was looking through pictures today and seeing picture after picture of them together up until the last picture they took together the day he left in April. After that it is just pictures of Alexa by herself. I realized that in two short weeks, he will be here and he will be in pictures with her again.. the pictures of her first birthday party! It gave me goosebumps. I know she doesn't know what's going on but I'm excited for her. Our family will be whole again, even if it's only for a couple of days.
So I just want to say THANK YOU to my hubby for going above and beyond for us and being the awesome daddy that you are! I appreciate it more than you will ever know. I can't wait to see you again!
Now, here are a few pictures taken throughout our journey of parenthood!
Getting dressed and being silly before Alexa arrived
Enjoying each other after a long day of work
Wearing daddy's hat
In the airport saying goodbye
Growing up, and even into adulthood, I've had a crappy idea of what it means to be a father. My dad was a horrible example. (I know there are tons of dads out there who are a million times worse, and I am not in any way trying to compare my situation.) No, he wasn't abusive and yes, he was present. But was he truly a "father"? No. We had a rocky relationship from the time I was little and as I grew up, nothing changed. When my parents split up, he started spoiling me and buying me everything I wanted.. which would make it seem like he was actually trying. It turned out he just wanted me to choose to live with him instead of my mom so that he could get back at her for the divorce. I moved out to Texas with my mom and it became painfully obvious how little he cared about me. I rarely got as little as a phone call, even to say "Happy Birthday." I don't think there was one year he remembered. We had a bad falling out right before I got married and I haven't spoken to him since. He tried calling me for a while, but I had already given up on him. Having him in my life always caused stress and nothing positive so I cut him off. It's sad that he has a granddaughter who he's never met. Sometimes it makes me feel bad but I know he does not deserve to know my child. It's his loss. She has plenty of family around who love and care for her. He played no positive role in making me the person I am today. If anything, he has taught me how not to be a parent.
My husband has completely changed the way I look at what a father should be. He was just born to be a dad. You can see it in the way he interacts Alexa.. It truly melts my heart. He is so loving and caring and helpful. He goes above and beyond for her.
After I had my c-section and was in the hospital after giving birth to Alexa, he was superdad. I was extremely nauseous coming out of surgery. I was struggling to learn the whole breastfeeding thing because every time I tried to feed her, my stomach would start contracting and I was ready to hurl. Then after anesthesia wore off, I was in a lot of pain. Elias stepped right up and did everything he could. He changed all her diapers, learned how to swaddle her, dressed her, rocked her to sleep, and brought her to me when she got hungry. He'd position her just right and put pillows under my arms so they wouldn't get tired. He was also wonderful at helping me move around and get out of bed, because I couldn't do it on my own. He did so much, I don't think I even changed any diapers until we had been home for a while. And the thing is, I never had to ask him for anything. He just knew what to do.
After we were home, he wanted to be the one to wake up with Alexa at night but I was the one who had to do all the feeding, so he insisted that he would get up and bring her to me every time she got hungry. Whenever we went out, he would wear her in the baby carrier. He made it so that I wouldn't have to do any work. At home, he'd get back after a long day at work and talk to her and play with her and basically take over everything I did during the day. Bath time became his "thing" and it was always that way until he left.
He's the sweetest daddy I've ever seen. Alexa loves him so much and I'd definitely say those two are best friends. One of the hardest parts of him being gone is that I miss watching them together. Him talking to her, tickling her, telling her "who's got the stinky patas(feet)?" and making her laugh her adorable belly laugh. I love those two together and it breaks my heart that they have to be apart so long. I was looking through pictures today and seeing picture after picture of them together up until the last picture they took together the day he left in April. After that it is just pictures of Alexa by herself. I realized that in two short weeks, he will be here and he will be in pictures with her again.. the pictures of her first birthday party! It gave me goosebumps. I know she doesn't know what's going on but I'm excited for her. Our family will be whole again, even if it's only for a couple of days.
So I just want to say THANK YOU to my hubby for going above and beyond for us and being the awesome daddy that you are! I appreciate it more than you will ever know. I can't wait to see you again!
Now, here are a few pictures taken throughout our journey of parenthood!
Getting dressed and being silly before Alexa arrived
Enjoying each other after a long day of work
Wearing daddy's hat
In the airport saying goodbyeWE LOVE YOU!!!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Just checking in to say hello...
and to share this picture of my delicate, dainty, sweet, precious little lady...
What an angel. :)
Tomorrow (well, today) is going to be a busy day! I've got two birthday parties to go to.. my goddaughter, Summer who is turning five, and a little girl (who's really not so little any more) who I used to babysit for, Isabella is eight. All my kids from the day care where I used to work will be there. It should be fun! I can't wait to see them again and for them to meet Alexa.
Oh, and it will be my first time wearing a bathing suit... outside a dressing room or my bedroom... since I had Alexa. I scored at Old Navy-- $25 for this top and bottom, both in pink.
Actually, now that I look at it, the top is different. Mine just has straps instead of a halter and ties somewhere between the boob area. The website doesn't have the one I bought... Oh well, same idea. They are nothing fancy but cover what needs to be covered, and most importantly they fit my skinny ass. Seriously, time for me to fill out. It's like after I had a kid, time was reversed and now I'm middle school me again. Actually, I think middle school me was bigger. Wow, SAD.
Anyway, I hope the day runs smoothly! Enjoy your weekends, everyone.
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